I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
