would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
