i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
