so explain again why im purple
no
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
