I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
