First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I wish I only lived at night.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
