I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Randomize
