he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
