3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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