i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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