i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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