I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
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