I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
