It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Fuck appropriateness.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
