how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
