walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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