I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
