i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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