How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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