when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
