Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
