Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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