I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
