it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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