I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
