At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
