Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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