Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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