Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
