my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
