my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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