mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Randomize
