Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
