I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
