I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
