Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
