Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
