I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
