New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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