Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
