I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
