Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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