i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
