My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
