How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
