I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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