Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
