I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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