So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
