so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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