i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
it's like iHOP with fire
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
