I'm so fucking centered right now
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
