Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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