I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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