Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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