Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
The feeling are messing with the penis
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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